I have been thinking a lot about the Black Lives Matter movement.  I have been wondering where I fit in? What is it that I can do? What do I want my voice to be? How can I help create the change that is needed? And then the answer walked into the kitchen and asked me to make him a sandwich. 

Raising a teenage son is an ever evolving project. There seems to be a constant tension between taking care of him like a little boy – making ALL of his meals and snacks and putting on his sunscreen and also giving him the freedom that a paying tenant would have – coming and going whenever he feels like it – except, of course, that he is not paying. 

Currently, there is a lot of ‘checking’. And by checking I mean calling him on his developing opinions and beliefs and use of language. Because you see, an ‘unchecked’ teenage boy, can have a tendency to develop some pretty strong opinions. And these strong opinions can lead to some pretty serious consequences as we have seen time and time again with sexual assault cases involving young men and in the most current example,  an abuse of power that led to death. We have a collective history of letting ‘boys be boys’; dismissing locker room behaviour or worse, participating in it. Tolerating comments from them (and their adult counterparts) like, Stop acting like a girl and the casual use of the word pussy to describe a ‘soft’ guy. We have encouraged them to be tough because the tougher they are, the more of a man they are. 

White, teenage boys are primed for power. They have all of the advantages. Their still developing brains are highly open to influence while at the same time that brain tells them they are right about everything. I am a very liberal minded person. I have stood up for the LBGTQ community since I was a teenager and stood up against the subtle racism I see and hear (jokes and accents and sometimes worse) amongst people I love. I thought that this liberal, egalitarian way of viewing the world would simply be absorbed by my children. But that is a dangerous way of thinking. Action is required. 

I am in no way suggesting that my son is racist or homophobic or mysongynicistc.  And I am not suggesting yours is either. But I can see how it happens. I have to challenge him on the images he sees on his social media and the language he and his friends so casually use. Because racist, homophobic and mysogenistic attitudes are so subtly woven into the media he consumes, it can too easily become part of him. This is why I am CONSTANTLY talking to him about these topics, challenging him, asking him what he thinks about current news stories like Black Lives Matter and the Me Too Movement. 

Writer Joanna Schroeder caught my attention and articulated the battle I knew I was having, but couldn’t name, on her Twitter feed. Here is it…

I’ve been watching my boys’ online behavior & noticed that social media and vloggers are actively laying groundwork in white teens to turn them into alt-right/white supremacists. 

Here’s how:

It’s a system I believe is purposefully created to disillusion white boys away from progressive/liberal perspectives. 

First, the boys are inundated by memes featuring subtly racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-Semitic jokes. 

Being kids, they don’t see the nuance & repeat/share.

Then they’re called out for these jokes/phrases/memes by parents, teachers, kids (mostly girls) at school & online. 

The boys then feel shame & embarrassment – and shame is the force that, I believe, leads people to their worst decisions.

The second step is the boys consuming media with the “people are too sensitive” and “you can’t say anything anymore!” themes. 

For these boys, this will ring true – they’re getting in trouble for “nothing”. 

This narrative allows boys to shed the shame – replacing it w/anger.

And who is their anger with?

Women, feminists, liberals, people of color, gay folks, etc etc. So-called snowflakes. 

And nobody is there to dismantle the “snowflake” fallacy. 

These boys are being set up – they’re placed like baseballs on a tee and hit right out of the park.

And NOBODY seems to notice this happening – except, it seems, moms of teenage girls who see the bizarre harassment their daughters endure.

And, of course, moms like me who stalk our sons’ social media.

These are often boys from progressive or moderate families – but their online behavior & viewing habits are often ignored.

Here’s an early red flag: if your kid says “triggered” as a joke referring to people being sensitive, he’s already being exposed & on his way. 

Intervene!

This is the coming of age story for our sons: They begin as sweet and innocent boys, who love everyone and see equality in the world. But their privilege – the privilege of being white and male, the most powerful figures in our world, gives them a sense of power as they mature and develop their morals and values. If we – parents, coaches, teams, teachers, society – don’t check this power, it can change our sons. It can change them from open and loving to being fueled by power which they can use over women, members of the LBGTQ community and people with brown and black skin. We owe it to our sons to ‘check’ them. To help them stay open and loving. To let them develop their strong sense of identity and to use their power to fight for equity, not to try and maintain their power at the cost of others. So that when I wear my t-shirt that says, Women Change the World, my son doesn’t look at me with disgust and ask me why I am wearing it. So he doesn’t feel like his power is threatened by a t-shirt. So he maybe thinks nothing or even better, says, That’s a great shirt, mom.

Please do not take from this post that all teenage boys are monsters. They are amazing! And hilarious. And some will never speak a sexist, homophobic or racist word. I just need to know that I am doing my part.

Power and privilege is not reserved just for men as evidenced by the recent incidents involving  Amy Cooper in Central Park and Canadian Jessica Mulroney and fellow influencer Sasha Exeter. These stories and lessons are important too. But right now, teenage boys are what I know and the way that I can help create the change the world so desperately needs is through them. 

I will continue to challenge and check my ever evolving teenage son. I want to help guide him to turn out to be the man he has all the potential of becoming, one who is mindful of his power and privilege, not reckless with it. 

A bit more…White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism (this is an excellent talk but will involve you to commit some time to watch it.)