Please don’t take from this post that I make light of death. And I certainly hope this does not come across as tone-deaf in these extraordinary times we find ourselves. Quite the contrary. I have battled most of my life being consumed with the understanding that one day I will cease to exist. I have lost sleep over it. I have known many people who have died before their time and seen, first hand, the devastation that death brings to a family. I do not take it lightly but writing about, and finding some humour in, even the darkest of topics, always seems to make them more bearable. I think part of my fear comes from not being an overly spiritual person. I believe that when we die that is it. There is nothing else. Which is why I try to enjoy my life and all the small things, as much as I can.
I recently lost my grandmother at the age of 99. Her visitation and funeral took place just as people were trying to refrain from shaking hands and giving comforting hugs – which we did not comply so well with. Her timing could not have been better – she left this world on her own terms, not at the hands of our current, invisible enemy. My grandmother was an extraordinary woman. Her life was both exceptionally complicated and simple. In the eulogy delivered by my uncle, it was noted that she was not much of a smiler or hugger but nonetheless a compassionate friend and mother. I took great comfort in these words, not being much of a smiler or hugger myself. In her death, many will find comfort that she is at rest with her husband, her son (my dad), and her grandson Dennis – whose death we will never find peace in.
Reading the obituaries always gets me thinking about what will be said about me. A slightly unsettling thought. And I am going to insist, right now, that the photo selected of me for the paper and little card they hand out at the visitation, be a really good one. Actually, I want it to be the best photo ever taken of me. Even if I, too, am 99 I think a photo from my thirties would be appropriate. Why not remember me that way? Physically anyway. Ugh, vanity. A few more specifics – I’d like the photo in black and white for that timeless and classic feel. Or maybe a wonderful abstract; one that captures my volatile yet charming nature.
As someone who appreciates a good story, I also want an above average obituary. I enjoy reading the ones from the national newspapers. They always seem to really capture the essence of the person. I like to imagine what will be said of me. The beauty of an obituary being that no one would dare write the whole truth. She was a generous person who loved life. She was a little bitchy and controlling at times. Oh, and stubborn and she liked things her way all the time. No, when we die most people only speak of what they will miss about you. She loved tea and dessert and a nice cheese. She was not much of a drinker – though that might have made her more fun. She loved camping and reading and Netflix. She was a handful to be married to but so was her husband, so they made it work. And she loved her children fiercely. She showed them this by raising her girls to be strong, independent women and by raising her son with constant lectures about feminism and equality. She also served one of them breakfast in bed daily and was all of their beloved personal chef.
I can also imagine my life celebration (funeral). I have chosen a celebration over a traditional funeral. I would like that gorgeous picture of me blown up and hung for all to see. I picture it hanging in one of my favourite places – like Langdon Hall or the marquee at the Stratford Festival where the gathering will take place. It will be a glorious celebration of, well, me, with equal parts joyful reminiscing and just the right amount of crying and quiet reflection.
The Stratford Cemetery is nestled directly behind our house. Walking through it the other day I was captivated by what a beautiful and peaceful place it is. I was struck by how such a place could evoke such tranquillity when one considers the devastation and sorrow left behind by the souls that rest there. Can I ever come to accept that there be beauty and peace in death? It would seem the answer is out my kitchen window.
Take care everyone. This is not a story we could have ever predicted (well, maybe scientists did). Find comfort in the small things if you can. And live your life so your obituary will be a good one!
Does anyone else ever think about these things???
A bit more…an article on Why, And How, To Plan Your Own Funeral
I love that photo of you & Eric. Black & white is so beautiful. I also think I was with you that evening, so that makes it even better. If you haven’t written down any of your wishes (Rory & I have been good & talked about wishes but we haven’t written them down & I don’t seem to remember anything these days), now they are not only written down but in a public forum that we can all remind Eric to view! I’m keeping a journal in these pandemic days. I think I should write some planning in there.
Yes, you were there. One of my favourite nights. I should be keeping a journal but the days would also read the same!
My Dad left very comedic, but detailed, instructions for the scattering of his ashes. It even included a menu! When someone leaves you with their very specific requests it takes so much stress off the family during a very difficult time when you are doubting everything. He was with us in spirit that day. There were signs of him everywhere. Despite our sad hearts, it felt good to celebrate his life on his terms. Shortly after we took a family trip to Scotland. During a hike (in my favourite place on earth) I told my kids this was where I want my ashes scattered – in the heather overlooking the sea. When I turned around they were bawling their eyes out at the thought of me dying. I think they are still scarred over that hike to this day. It is all written down in a humorous way next to my Will – someday they will appreciate it like I did when my Dad left is his specific wishes.
I love that your dad had the foresight to make things lighter and be funny in his instruction. I like that. But I can totally relate to how your kids feel! There is a time when you are young that you don’t ever consider that one day your parents will die, and then you realize they will. And it’s terrible. I think its nice you have done the same for your family. Funny, I was able to write this post without getting emotional but I feel reluctant to actually plan proper instructions – makes me feel ill…but, maybe my next challenge.
Well, I’m a priest. And a planner. I planned my own funeral years and years ago, and emailed the instructions to my sister, because she keeps track of these sorts of things. I did it because I wanted to save my family the worry of trying to dream up a service outline at the very moment when they would be positively loaded down with horrible things to do (so much paperwork when someone dies!). I’d thought about what parts of the service might be comforting to my family, and which cleric might be most likely to say something helpful to them at that moment. (I also told my sister: “No slideshows.” Those things are way too much work.) I thought of it as my final gift to my family…but more recently I’ve wondered if perhaps planning a service IS a comfort for those who are grieving. Maybe that’s the gift grieving families really need: the chance to wrestle their way through to that hard goodbye, figuring it out themselves, rather than having the goodbye handed to them.
Maybe there is a balance to be found somewhere in between. Take the pressure off with some details but let those we left behind grieve through other details. You have seen a lot and so the fact the you have planned yours already doesn’t surprise me 🙂
I think about it all the time. Our culture has started to sanitize death. Quite often because people don’t think about these things ahead of time their funeral choices tend not to be reflective of their lives and pricey! We don’t need to be embalmed to have an open casket funeral in Ontario, and many cemeteries will allow you to be buried in a shroud instead of in a coffin. I’m planning on making an organic shroud that I embroider myself and organic linen ties to lower me into the grave to help cut back on the environmental impact of dying. One of my favourite Youtubers is Caitlyn from the Order of the Good Death. She advocates for low cost and environmental options for dying, but most of all, for meaningful funerals which assist with the grieving process and help
Like the article you link to mentions, it can also help alleviate stress. My friend’s 22 year old daughter is trying to settle his estate right now because he died with a will and it has been very messy. You can also pre-pay. The most important thing to remember though is talk to your next of kin and let them know what you want and where your plans can be found.
Thank you for sharing this! I really love this environmental perspective. And being buried in a shroud instead of a coffin in a really lovely idea. Especially one you embroider yourself. I planned my own 40th birthday weekend extravaganza because I envisioned it a certain way. Why should this be any different?!