Over the past almost two decades, I have spent many hours teaching and talking with teenagers – girls in particular – about sex. I have shown them diagrams that caused some to faint. We have had discussions that have almost caused me to faint. And during one particularly infamous health class, I accidentally showed gay porn to a class of 13 year old girls. It has been a privilege for me to have been given this opportunity; to get a glimpse (and reminder) of what it means to be a teenager. And while I believed for a long time that I was arming these kids with knowledge for their sexual journey, I have come to realize just how much I learned from listening to them and how significantly they shaped my opinion on teenage sexuality.  

The reality is that most teenagers are having sex or are sexually active in some way. An unscientific survey from my high school says, that on average, 3-5 girls in a class of about 25 are having sex by the time they are in grade nine. When they leave grade twelve, that number jumps to about 21. Parents should not be wondering if their teenager will have sex because, at some point in high school, most of them are. We should be asking ourselves if we have prepared our sons and daughters for this experience.

Social media has changed everything and it has placed a lot more sexual pressure on today’s kids. It is now normal for girls to be asked to send, or send on their own free will, nude pictures of themselves. It is also normal for girls to be on the receiving end of full frontal male nudity. Cue fainting. This reality has had devastating consequences for some teens, who can never escape the torment from these photos travelling around the screens of their peers. The Rehtaeh Parsons case is a sad tale of just this. Two teen boys were charged with distributing child pornography as a result. The game has changed and it is imperative that we make sure our kids are ready to play it fairly.

Not all parents are comfortable talking about sex with their children but someone in their life needs to. This is why our school health classes, and the freedom to teach our students the information and skills they need to make good decisions, are so crucial.  We used to try and scare kids out of having sex with the threat of pregnancy and STIs. What a terrible thing we did to associate sex with fear. Kids need to know that they do not need to be afraid of sex but they do need to be prepared. They need to know that only they can decide when they are ready for sex.

Here are some discussion points you could have with a teenager in your life…

Consent

Both teens in the relationship must agree on the boundaries

Someone can change their mind at any point

Just because you tried it once, that does not mean you have to do it again

When someone is too impaired to say what they want, they are too impaired to engage with in sexual activity

Look for body language that might suggest the other person is uncomfortable with what is happening

Decision Making

Make decisions based on your own needs, values and wants

Feeling pressure from someone is never a good reason for doing something you are not sure you want to

Know your boundaries before you are in a certain situation. If you know you are going to be alone with your partner, know and articulate how far you are willing to go. Making decisions in the moment sometimes do not turn out the way we would have liked

Consequences

Understand and be prepared for the potential consequences of your decision

  • Other people will likely find out
  • The relationship could end
  • There is always a risk of an STI and, with intercourse, pregnancy
  • You may regret your decision if you did not stay true to your boundaries

I hope for my own kids that they have a wonderful sexual journey. I hope that they experience the excitement and dread of all of their firsts – when it is appropriate for their age and maturity and readiness. I do not necessarily want or need to know all the details. They are entitled to their privacy. If I have prepared them enough, I know they will be ok.

It is a complicated time out there for our kids and embracing their reality and helping them navigate it safely,  is the best thing we can do for them.

A bit more…Talking to Your Kids About Sex – tips for every age.

What do you think?

Do you have a funny story to share about your parents talking to you about sex?